Every semester, I invite my leadership students to do something that feels both ancient and radical: take their “other” out to lunch. The instructions are simple: invite someone whose worldview unsettles you, buy them a meal, and listen longer than feels comfortable. No debating. No persuading. Just presence, curiosity, and the courage to see the human across the table.
This semester, part of the inspiration came from a recent conversation on the Mending Divides podcast with Rev. Harold Good, the Northern Irish pastor and peacemaker who helped navigate decades of sectarian division. He spoke of the table as a place of quiet transformation – even daring to say, “Use your table to transform enemies into allies.” I wondered what would happen if my students tried that in their own small way.
This assignment is less about agreement and more about rehumanization. It’s an experiment in resistance against the algorithms, the pundits, and the fear merchants who profit from our division. What my students recently discovered in cafés and dining halls across Spokane is what the world so desperately needs to relearn – that proximity has the power to soften caricatures and rewrite stories.
One student realized she’d been making a lot of assumptions about her “other” before ever hearing them speak. Another noticed that taking a deep breath between responses helped her resist the urge to refute and instead made her partner feel heard. One discovered that empathy “reaches over ideological boundaries,” and another found that vulnerability begets vulnerability. When he offered his story honestly, his “other” met him there.
What emerged across their reflections wasn’t naïve consensus or some utopian commitment to harmony. It was something quieter and more durable: a shared sense that, even in deep disagreement, we might not be as divided as we think.
Practicing this kind of encounter doesn’t require a classroom or an assignment. It only takes intention.
Here’s how to begin:
- Identify your “other.” Think of someone in your life who sees the world (ideology, theology, lifestyle, etc.) differently than you do. Notice the caricature you’ve drawn of them and the fables you’ve fabricated about them. Then, commit to replacing that cartoon with a conversation.
- Extend an invitation. Keep it simple: “I’ve realized I’ve made some assumptions about people who see the world differently than I do. Would you be open to grabbing coffee or lunch so I can better understand your perspective and what has shaped it?”
- Prepare your posture. Before you meet, center yourself in generosity. Remind yourself: I don’t need to agree; I just need to be present. Breathe. Let curiosity lead.
- Listen longer than feels comfortable. Rather than trading talking points about beliefs, ask them to share a story about when a particular belief first became important to them. Resist the itch to rebut. Silence is often the birthplace of understanding.
- Reflect afterward. Ask yourself: What surprised me? How were my assumptions challenged? When and why did my defenses show up? What did I discover about them that is truer than the fables I’ve fabricated? What do we share in common?
You don’t need to become friends with your “other.” Friendship isn’t the goal. The goal is to train your eyes to see the humanity, dignity, and intrinsic value of every human being, even the one you find most confounding.
So, go ahead. Invite your “other.” Order lunch. And stay in the conversation. You may just find that the most transformative table in your life isn’t at a conference, in a classroom, or within a worship space, but, as Rev. Good reminds us, in the quiet courage between two people choosing to see each other.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on October 29, 2025 on Hopeful Alternative, a free Substack by Dr. Jer Swigart, co-founder and executive director of Global Immersion. Featuring “provocations for disarming conflict and remaking our world”, Hopeful Alternative invites readers into the everyday work of peacemaking. (Learn more)
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