We all have expectations about how holidays should go. Some want the world to forget their name so they can slow down their own world. Some want to cram in as many crafts, activities, movies, and gatherings as possible so that they have to deck their halls on November 1st to achieve it all. Some don’t even begin acknowledging their expectations until December 18th because Thanksgiving was such a humdinger. And even if a married couple both function within the same expectations, it is all too easy to misfire with good intentions, one person zigging while the other is busy zagging.
This is more than just a communication settlement. A husband and wife can very clearly explain exactly what they want the family Christmas ornament to look like this year, and still be in strife. The resolve only comes when one or both parties relinquish control, yielding to the other. This, of course, is not reserved for the holidays. We can run into this scenario when buying a car or choosing breakfast cereal. However, it seems that this festive time of year can quickly crank up the discord in marriages. The Enemy knows it’s a great time of celebration for the Christian household, so the smallest of joys can be twisted to a great sorrow if we let it. Awareness, reflection, honesty, and especially prayer go a long way in making holidays even sweeter for a marriage.
There are possibly hundreds of ways marriages can suffer during the holidays: finances, schedules, hospitality, in-law dynamics, emotions, frustrations, kids’ expectations, sins of envy, and comparison. I want to expose three principles to abide by: prepare spiritually, set a budget, practice hospitality—you can fill in the blank on your own methodology. But before we zoom in, let me offer the first step: Reflect back on tough holidays past where the season wasn’t so jolly. You may even want to reflect on your own childhood. Oftentimes, our spouse can unknowingly trip over one of our painful memories or experiences. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal your own blind spots, not your spouse’s. Be vulnerable and honest about your own shortcomings in those years, poised for repentance if you left any issues suspended.
At the beginning and end of it all, the Bible is our standard—not a traditional or cultural notion of the dinner menu, Christmas decor, or wishlists from our children. Ephesians 5:22–24 says that a wife to submit in everything to her husband. Wives can dismiss holidays as too trivial a thing to consider for submission, crippling the gift these days are designed for. Ephesians 5:25–33 states that a husband is to love his wife by laying down his life for her, cherishing her, and nourishing her. These high-stakes, memory-making days are ready for such manly actions. If you know holidays have proven tense for your marriage, start by reading all of Ephesians 5 aloud. Then consider the following:
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