The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
This will be the third holiday season without my mom, and while in some ways this heavy burden of grief has gotten a bit easier to carry, the heaviness in my heart and the emptiness in my stomach remain. In full transparency, I have come to realize that this pain and sorrow will always be a part of me, so I clumsily try to embrace it. Yet, the questions, even though they have changed over the years, still loom over me.
“Will I be able to walk into the craft store this year without being brought to tears?”
“Can I recreate my mom’s famous cornbread stuffing without the guilt that she isn’t making it?“
“Is the joy that once came with this season ever going to return?”
The emotional turmoil grief ushers in during the holidays can truly steal our peace and bring us to some very dark and uncomfortable places. Yet, while everyone else seemed absent and void, I still recall the kind and gentle gestures my husband extended to me, especially as I walked into that very first season without my beloved mom.
If your spouse is wading through grief this holiday season, my heart goes out to you. Watching a loved one succumb to the emotional highs and lows and mental strain grief brings during the holidays can be rough and, dare I say, downright brutal. Honestly, you have a heavy burden to carry, and it may come with many other strings attached. Not only are you striving to remain strong when your spouse is weak, but you are picking up the slack in so many other areas as well. That may come with trying to keep the season special for your children or tending to the everyday mundane tasks that have been pushed aside and forgotten. So, in saying that, be sure to take care of yourself, because in reality, you can’t properly give to your grieving spouse if you are continually running on empty.
On the other hand, maybe you have tried to support your spouse, and it hasn’t gone over too well, or you aren’t really sure where to start, and it all feels so intimidating and overwhelming. That is totally valid and understandable. This is a very delicate issue and can be rather difficult to navigate. That said, devise a plan now before we get too deep into the holidays that will allow you to support your spouse and meet their needs in a personal and specific way.
Open Up a Conversation
It’s important that you acknowledge your spouse’s profound loss. It can be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry. I know you are hurting, and I am here for you.“ Then, let them know that you will do your best to pick up on cues, giving them the ability to lead. For instance, if you sense they need time to be alone, take the kiddos out of the house for a bit. Or if they look like they want to say something but appear lost in a fog of grief, lean in and remind them you are there. If you are unsure what they need, just ask.
Simple Gestures
Your wife might open the box of ornaments and burst into tears, or your husband may stand in the hallway and recount a memory, frozen in time. This is when a simple gesture could not only offer support, but remind them they are not alone and dearly loved. Here are a few ways you can love and support your spouse:
-Just be present and listen.
-Share a special memory of their loved one.
-Offer a hug or hold out your hand for them to cling to.
-Help with everyday tasks such as cooking and cleaning.
-Deliver self-care by bringing them a plate of food or setting up a warm bubble bath.
A Prayer for You and Your Spouse:
Faithful Father, I am humbled by Your love and the beauty that this season holds, but as You well know, we are holding heavy hearts. Grief has found a way of tainting this season, and I am desperate for Your love, comfort, and peace. God, I know You draw close to the brokenhearted and see the pain and sorrow of the afflicted; You consider our grief and take it all into Your loving hands. So, today, I place this heavy burden in Your mighty hands, and lay the grief my spouse is enduring, and lay it all at Your feet.
Please grant me the strength to abide in You as I find ways to meet my spouse’s needs. Help me to be gracious, kind, gentle, and sincere and allow my words and actions to bring peace and comfort. I understand that hard-hitting moments will come and blindside us, yet when they do, I ask that You draw close and provide us with a means to seek healing in Your precious presence.
I ask this in Your Holy name. Amen.
Application:
-Supporting a grieving spouse can be emotionally and physically taxing. What steps can you take to ensure you are caring for your own well-being this season? Challenge: Identify one self-care practice (e.g., prayer, exercise, journaling) and commit to doing it regularly to stay replenished.
-Take time to ask your spouse one specific question about how they’re feeling during this season, such as: “What part of this season feels hardest for you, and how can I help?”
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Halfpoint
Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy. Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.
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