by Hope Nelson
This article is also available as a printable download.
Many parents are familiar with a scene like this one: It’s after dinner, and the kids are doing their homework. From the other room, you hear a groan, then a shout of, “This is just so hard!” Your child is frustrated.
What is your first instinct in this situation? Is it to jump up and help your child right away? Or do you let them try to figure it out on their own? Perhaps you encourage them to take a break or a few deep breaths before they start again.
Both children and adults can find it difficult to deal with frustration. Fortunately, you can walk alongside your child while teaching them vital life skills that will serve them for years to come. Each time your child encounters a challenge that frustrates them, you have a chance to show God’s love to them through your words and actions. Following are some tips to help.
1. Don’t immediately try to fix the problem.
It can be tempting to step in and do whatever you can to “solve” your child’s problem immediately. And for good reason. Frustration isn’t a fun emotion, even if you’re not the one experiencing it! Children may express their frustration by crying, shouting, or avoiding tasks, which can affect everyone in the household. However, helping children build independent problem-solving skills is important. This can be done by letting them try different ways to solve a frustration on their own before stepping in to assist.
2. Model calm behaviors.
When your child is frustrated, chances are you may be frustrated too, but keep in mind that your demeanor has the potential to serve as a powerful model to them. Focus on how you model calm behavior to your child. Take deep breaths, speak slowly and calmly, and show your child what it looks like to stay in control in difficult situations.
3. Understand your child’s triggers.
As a parent, it’s likely that you’ll notice patterns of frustration in your child. Does frustration usually arise during homework time? When they’re playing a sport? When they have to wait for something they want? Upon noticing these patterns, point them out to your child gently, after the situation has ended. By understanding and naming your child’s triggers, you’ll teach them to recognize them on their own over time.
4. Listen and reflect.
Many times, the most helpful thing that parents can do for a frustrated child is listen to them. Encourage your child to label their emotions and reflect on how these emotions affect each person involved in the situation. Once again, talk after a frustrating situation. Discussing how to handle big emotions in the midst of an overwhelming experience isn’t going to stick. In the moment, listen to what your child is saying and help them use their self-regulatory skills to persevere.
5. Teach coping skills.
Coping skills are a way to help your child be proactive with their frustrations. Practice deep breathing, counting to ten, taking a short break, or other strategies with your child before their frustration boils over. These skills can help your child persevere through homework assignments, sports games, and other challenging experiences requiring patience and calm. Also remind them of God’s promises and stories in the Bible that demonstrate others overcoming challenges and frustration.
Parenting a frustrated child can be difficult, especially in the moment. When considering your child’s reactions to possible stressors, keep God’s Word in mind and “train up a child in the way he should go.” (Proverbs 22:6). Focus on your child’s existing autonomous problem-solving skills, keep yourself calm, and offer a listening ear. Then, when times are calmer, teach coping skills, reflect together on your child’s emotions, and understand what triggers them to frustration in the first place.
Above all, remember that “everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). As you guide your child with patience and grace, you’re shaping the heart for years to come.
For further reading:
Child Mind Institute: How to help children calm down
Children’s Health Council: How to teach frustration tolerance to kids
K12 Tutoring: Helping children handle frustration in elementary school
Story Book: 11 best activities to help children manage frustration
