Grief, Control, and the Path to Healing
by Naomi Ruppel-Warnke, LMFT
As we say goodbye to another year, many of us naturally begin to reflect on what went well in the past year, what didn’t, and whether our expectations were met. Often, we evaluate these experiences through unrealistic standards shaped by our broken, sinful human condition. When reality doesn’t align with those expectations, we may experience various forms of loss. Some are obvious, and others are less commonly recognized.
When we think of loss, relational loss often comes to mind, and for good reason. The loss of a relationship can be deeply painful and debilitating. However, many other types of loss often go unnoticed in modern society, including:
- The loss of expectations for a new job or career
- The loss of a home we loved
- The loss of safety or security within a current relationship
- The loss of unmet dreams or long-held desires
When a loss occurs, it is common to experience a loss of mastery and control. This lack of control can lead to anger, especially when the loss was not something we chose. When we become stuck in this place, our emotional energy often centers on regaining control rather than processing the loss itself. We can become emotionally immobilized and unable to move forward, much like a car that cannot be driven when a wheel is locked in place.
The Core Issues of Loss
When we are stuck in anger, we may struggle to work through what are often referred to as the seven core issues of loss*. The desire for control or mastery can block our ability to work through the other core issues:
1. Loss – the initial loss of a relationship or unmet expectations, hopes, or dreams
2. Control/mastery – the painful awareness that we cannot fix or undo what has happened
3. Shame/guilt – feelings of being fundamentally flawed or “not enough,” regret related to real or perceived responsibility
4. Grief – sadness for what was lost, experienced ongoing or surfacing at milestones
5. Identity – questions about who we are now in light of the loss
6. Intimacy – difficulty trusting or connecting with others (often related to relational loss)
7. Rejection – feelings of being unwanted, dismissed, or abandoned
God’s in Control
Experiencing loss can intensify our desire to regain control over our environment. This may show up as attempts to tightly manage our emotions, our productivity, or how and when we communicate with others. While these behaviors can feel protective, they often prevent true healing.
As Christ-followers, we are invited to place our faith and trust in God, the Creator of the universe. Surrendering control to Him does not eliminate the pain of loss, nor does it bypass the emotional work involved. We may still need to move through the core issues of loss and the stages of grief. Faith does not replace the process; it supports us through it.
Bringing Our Emotions Before God
Scripture reminds us that God welcomes our honesty. King David models this kind of emotional authenticity when he prays, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23–24, NKJV). Bringing our full emotional experience before God, including fear, anger, sadness, and confusion, allows for deeper connection and healing.
We are also encouraged to release our burdens to Him: “Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, NKJV). Even when God does not remove our suffering immediately, He promises His sustaining grace. As Paul learned through his own hardship, the Lord says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9, NKJV).
Key Takeaway
Our emotional struggles when we experience loss are not failures or signs of weak faith. Loss is part of living in a broken world, and healing is a process that takes time, honesty, and support. When we name our losses, acknowledge our need for God’s help, and release control to Him, we create space for healing. We can trust that God meets us not in our strength, but in our weakness, and faithfully walks with us toward hope.
* These core issues are commonly referenced in adoption and trauma-informed mental health frameworks, including the Adoption Permanency Curriculum for Mental Health Providers and Welfare Workers (2009). They frequently surface after loss and can affect emotional and relational well-being.
