If I could, I would meet you up for a coffee, look you in the eye, and tell you, “I am so sorry you feel lost and alone.” This motherhood gig is hard and can be seriously lonely at times. While we may know that we all need friends to extend support, offer heartfelt encouragement, and dish out a healthy dose of useful advice, friendships just look (and feel) different now.
The truth is, motherhood changes us, but it also changes our relationships, including our friendships. It’s not always intentional, it’s just reality. Managing children, a hubby, work, and piles of laundry leaves little time for anything else, much less a friend. Sadly, over time, we just sort of coast by and bend and sway to the demands of our families and the never-ending checklist that must get done. Sure, we may have a mom friend that pops into our lives for a short season, but as soon as life happens, and duty calls, we unfortunately part ways. So, how exactly do we navigate motherhood and maintain friendships?
Making New Friends and Keeping the Old
If I am being sentimentally honest, I think of my “old” friends with fondness, wondering what they are up to and how their kids are doing. It’s especially hard if we did life together and shared our innermost thoughts and struggles, yet “mom-life” caused us to slowly (or abruptly) drift apart. So, if (and when) we do happen to casually bump into each other at the grocery store or a school event, the awkward casual talk usually leads me to wonder where our friendship would be if we put forth a little more effort.
Then again, on the opposite spectrum, there are those friends, despite all odds, who form a beautiful friendship. Equally invested, equally putting in the effort, and it’s simply great, until it isn’t. Maybe it becomes strained with a move across the country, and the distance causes a great divide, or the enemy has other plans and pulls your friendship apart with undue drama and tension. At any point, only hurt feelings and painful memories follow. Like I said, motherhood changes our friendships, and, sadly, sometimes it can feel like high school all over again – ugh!
But what if I told you that making new mom friends and keeping the old may look different, but there is a purpose behind all of it, and our God is at the forefront? That means, it all has a purpose! Today, I cordially invite you (yes, you!) to flip the script with me. Go and grab a cup of coffee (or that yummy chamomile tea), and let’s meet at our messy kitchen tables surrounded by cereal crumbs and crayons. It’s high time we get real and be brutally honest. More importantly, let’s seek to discover what God has to say about these mom friendships.
Not Every Mom in Your Life Is Meant to Be Your Friend
That’s a hard truth to swallow because maybe, like me, you have some pretty extraordinary women in your life right now; you just haven’t been able to make a friendship come out of it. Then again, there are other times when you both bring something into the friendship, but it doesn’t take off, or your friendship just doesn’t “click,” so to speak. When this happens and we find ourselves in a perpetual season of loneliness where friendships aren’t forming easily, we can begin to believe all kinds of things – a.k.a. lies! But the truth is not every mom is going to be “your cup of tea,” nor are you going to be theirs. And, you know what? That’s okay!
God knows that we deeply crave meaningful and purposeful friendships. He created us that way (Proverbs 17:17). So, a deep connection with others is invaluable, especially when it comes to our ministry as mothers. This could be why it hurts so badly when we don’t have a friend to lean on. But to be fair, we don’t just want any friend; we want a friend we can truly connect with. One who is vulnerable and approachable, understands our struggles, and relates to our off-the-wall jokes or comments. A friend who shows compassion and extends support through prayer and praise. A friend who is honest, humble, and sincere. A friend who holds us to the fire when we go against God and His Word. Basically, as believers, we want that mom friend who will help us grow deeper in our faith (Proverbs 27:17).
So, while friends may come in and out of our lives, the reason sometimes only known by our God, we must trust His plan and purpose for every single mom we encounter. What you need to remember when you feel lonely is that finding true and authentic friends who will encourage you and hold you accountable to be a better wife, mother, sister, and daughter isn’t easy and takes time. But it is attainable when we place our trust in God, knowing that He will deliver the blessing of a sweet friend at the exact time we need her!
How to Make Mom Friendships
Maybe before kiddos, you were able to find friends when you hit the beach or found your way to a local spa. But nowadays, you can barely keep your head above water, and if you did get the privilege of soaking it up at the spa, you’d probably be asleep in ten minutes. All that to say, finding friends as a mom is going to look vastly different than it did pre-kids!
Now, you’re pulling up late in the carpool line or trying to nurse a fussy baby in the mall without feeling the heat of judgmental stares glaring your way. Times have changed—you realize this—so it may feel like friendships will have to wait for now. And then, it happens. You meet another mom who pulls up behind you in her car sporting yoga pants with puke all over her shirt, and that’s it, you’re instant friends. Or a mom plops beside you at the mall and offers her coverup with an understanding smile. And you know, this mom gets it! And that, my friend, is how it all begins.
Oh, but don’t grow disheartened if your “friend” hasn’t shown up with a messy bun and toothpaste all over her holey sweatpants, because in the meantime, you can…
1. Start with yourself. Go on and make a list (mentally is fine) of what you can bring to a friendship. Look up the Bible verses below and see what you have to offer and areas you can grow. Invite God into these places and ask for His help.
A good friend is:
Encouraging and supportive – 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Open, honest, and trustworthy – James 5:16
Servant-hearted and hospitable – 1 Peter 4:8-10
Equally yoked – Galatians 6:4
Sincere, helpful, and compassionate – Galatians 6:2
This is just a start. There are so many other verses on friendship. Dig into His Word and let God reveal His heart behind friendships to you and see what you can glean from it!
2. Think about the characteristics or traits you want in a mom friend.
3. Pray and ask for God’s favor in finding a new sweet momma friend. Share in detail what you need while also considering what you bring into a friendship.
4. Get a little out of your comfort zone. Join a local mom’s group, a women’s Bible study, or open up a conversation with that mom at your kid’s soccer practice. Listen to the direction God is leading and be bold and step out in faith.
5. Remember that finding the right friend takes time and comes from a place of surrender by trusting the Lord. Be patient with yourself and the process and open to the opportunities God brings your way. Oftentimes, mom friendships form with simple commonalities or personalities that just come together in a unique and beautiful way!
Once you find a sweet momma friend, just like with any meaningful relationship, water it with love by investing a bit of your time, energy, and effort, allowing God to lead you with compassion, sincerity, and honesty. Trust me, what you pour into a sweet friendship will often bloom blessings beyond measure as it brings forth a sweet reminder of the greatest friend we have in Jesus.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/jacoblund
Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy. Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.
