The following are well-meaning things to avoid saying because they aren’t effective at encouraging someone who is struggling with singleness.
1. “Maybe you’ll have someone special next year to spend the holidays with.” Although most likely said with the well-intentions of giving future hope, it’s hard for some singles to hear that they’ll have to wait an entire year for someone special.
Most singles are praying and hoping to meet someone this holiday season. They may be all out of hope at this point, and it could be more than they are able to hear at the time.
It’s hard to know what might come across as hurtful, but as Hebrews 13:1 encourages, “Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.”
2. “Just stop thinking about marriage and enjoy the holidays.” Sure, easy to say when we’re not the ones spending our holidays single.
Sadly, saying this just shuts singles down from being open about their hopes and dreams. And, it’s easy for married people to say, because they aren’t going to parties alone, eating out alone, and sitting in church by themselves.
Yes, singles can enjoy their lives alone, but isn’t it God who said in Genesis 2:18, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’”
It’s not good for most women, either.
3. “Maybe God has given you the gift of singleness?” Ugh. This is one of the worst things to say to a single person who longs to be married, suggesting getting married isn’t God’s will for their lives or that He has different plans for them, calling them to a life of singleness.
Just because someone isn’t married yet doesn’t mean they are called to a life of singleness, especially if they have the God-given desire to be married. The fact that they want to get married is an indication that they aren’t called to live life single.
Whatever we do, we want to resist throwing the Apostle Paul’s advice at them, found in 1 Corinthians 7:8. Most likely, it’s the last thing they want to hear right now. “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.”
Instead of dashing their hopes by trying to convince them that God wants them to be single, let’s practice what 1 Thessalonians 5:14 advises: “…encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”
4. “We bought you a gift together.” Often, a single family member or friend will buy each person in a family an individual gift. If so, rather than giving them one gift from all, consider giving a gift from each person to put under their tree, even if it means just adding a box of candy and a poinsettia to their gift, or shopping at the Dollar Store to do so.
Romans 12:8 encourages: “If it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”
It might seem silly or hard to understand how something as simple as receiving a gift from a family member might trigger a feeling of loneliness, but it can, as it emphasizes their oneness. So, if possible, surprise them with a bundle of gifts.
5. “Maybe you’re not trying hard enough to meet someone?” If we want to see a single person’s heart drop right before our faces, these are the words to say, words that make them feel finding a mate is all up to them, and they are obviously failing.
Drilling them on whether they’ve tried online dating, speed dating, and so on and so forth will cause their countenance to quickly fall.
Accusations of being too picky or not getting out more to meet new people often fall flat because “getting out there” can be tiring and, for many, discouraging. Endlessly looking for “the one” is like riding a wild roller coaster without wearing the seat belt. The ups and downs can cause singles to feel dizzy and ready to get off the ride.
Scripture provides us with numerous reasons to believe that God is involved in bringing people together in marriage, so He is the one to bear the burden of singleness, not the single person. We want to be careful and compassionate to make sure we aren’t causing singles to carry the unnecessary weight of waiting for a spouse.
As Paul urges in Galatians 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
6. “You must want marriage too much.” This phrase is like a punch in the stomach to singles who, like most people, just want to be married. Saying this causes false guilt and shame, pointing fingers at them for just desiring what God has designed for men and women.
It’s like saying their desire for marriage is something selfish or sinful, but it’s not. It’s a God-given desire.
Genesis 2:23-24 explains the origin of this godly desire. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
7. “You need to focus more on God than getting married.” Yes, but seriously, don’t we all need to focus more on God? Many of us wouldn’t be married if that’s a prerequisite before saying “I do.”
Hebrews 12:2 urges all of us, whether single or married, “Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
8. “Maybe you’re still single because of sin in your life?” Well, who doesn’t have sin in their life? Maybe not blatantly so everyone can see, but we all sin. If we couldn’t marry until we’re without sin, then none of us would be married.
1 John 1:8 reminds us: “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”
Thankfully, God doesn’t require us to be sinless before marrying, but like every person on earth, He wants us all, whether single or married, to resist sin and seek after Him.
9. “You’re probably just not ready for marriage yet.” Really, how ready does someone have to be to know if they are ready enough?
Just take a look around at married couples, and we’ll see that many must not have been ready for marriage, yet they got married. Marriage is where God works out and through relationship issues, fine-tuning us through His word and one another.
Many of us know couples who dated for years and are now divorced, along with couples who married very young and are now celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
It’s not how ready we are but about how committed we are to our vows to each other and to God. It’s about being faithful to keep our promises.
God keeps His promises, and He is the one who teaches us how to keep our promises when we rely on Him to help us be faithful. As Hebrews 10:23 explains, “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.”
Vows matter, and how we hold onto them makes a difference in our marriages. As Ecclesiastes 5:4 urges, “When you make a vow to God, do not delay to fulfill it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.”
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