“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19–20)
Repetitive arguments are exhausting. Being hurt the same way over and over again is not enjoyable for anyone. Circular arguments can be one of the greatest challenges to overcome in the daily life of marriage. Both spouses want to feel seen and heard in an argument. And while both spouses can sense repetition and escalation when fighting, knowing how to reclaim peace without pain and move toward resolution can be difficult. I know—I’ve been married for over twenty years! Thankfully, it is possible to learn how to fight fair.
There are basic techniques that can help, along with Christian counseling when necessary. It’s helpful to understand from the start that men and women often have different needs in a relationship, which can contribute to tension if they are not understood. Men often need to feel gratitude for their contribution to the relationship; women, on the other hand, often need to feel treasured. When either spouse does not feel this way, a trigger is initiated. Triggers can lead to a domino effect of visceral reactions and negative emotions if left unchecked.
First and foremost, spouses cannot break a circular argument without humility. Humility prompts us to consider each other’s differences. It encourages us to seek the good of our spouse before our own desires in the moment, and therefore, steers us away from selfish pride. When we approach the Lord for instruction with a willing heart to learn and grow, and when we truly recognize the destructive pattern of unproductive fighting, we have the motivation to change and follow the steps below:
Identify what’s happening.
The first thing that couples can do when they sense that their argument is going down a familiar road is to identify what is happening. Emotions do not have to be the driver; don’t let them take the wheel. One person can say, “We are starting an argument loop again.” That is a mental sign that both people can acknowledge, even when emotions are high.
Take a pause.
High emotions are a symptom of an unmet need. Think of emotions like the blood, and the unmet need is the cut. It takes personal insight and awareness to dig a bit deeper emotionally and address the cut, or what is really going on. That’s why once an argument loop begins, taking a pause is instructive. The key here is not to make either spouse feel abandoned. Mutually set aside a time to compose yourselves (such as 10–20 minutes), and then come back together to discuss what’s wrong.
Take inventory.
Before you are ready to reconvene with your spouse, do some digging. Part of my training as a pastor included learning Nonviolent Communication, or NVC. The first step in NVC is identifying your emotions. Anger is a sign that there are other, deeper emotions that need to be addressed. For instance, you might feel angry because you really feel frustrated, hurt, or betrayed. After you have pinpointed how you feel, identify your unmet need that is causing you to feel this way. For example, is your need for respect, appreciation, or honesty not being met? Finally, formulate a clear request that you can ask your spouse that would meet your unmet need. Avoid accusations; instead, use “I” language. Prepare something like, “I feel X when you do that, because my need for Y is not being met. Would you please do Z next time?”
Affirm your commitment.
Once you have taken inventory, you are ready to reconvene. When you do, consider affirming your commitment first. I know, the last thing you might want to do is affirm your commitment to your spouse when you are feeling frustrated! But unless there is abuse, leaning into the covenantal structure of marriage is exactly what’s helpful. It allows you to come together safely, despite each other’s faults, and motivates each spouse to fully invest in a better outcome. Consider saying a simple prayer together, “Lord, soften our hearts. Help us to love like You love. Amen.”
Listen to your spouse and formulate clear action steps.
Being aware of what you’re feeling and needing will help your discussion as a couple be more productive. Take turns listening to each other and repeating back what you hear to ensure that you have it right. Try to help your spouse identify their unmet need if they’re unsure, so that both of you can be more aware next time. Finally, make sure you and your spouse have articulated a clear request or action step by the end of your listening session.
Let’s Pray: Holy Father, help me to fight fair. Soften my heart with humility and embolden me to build the fulfilling marriage you desire for me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Application: While these five steps are a challenge, allow them to be an invitation. What do you learn about yourself, your spouse, and the Lord when you take a step back?
Challenge: As you practice these steps, consider where your arguments typically break down. What would help you avoid that rut next time?
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Vadym Pastukh
Rev. Noelle Kirchner, M.Div., is a Presbyterian pastor who has served in both church and hospital settings. She’s also a Midwesterner who married her college sweetheart, and together they are raising their three boys in New Jersey. Her training includes Northwestern University (B.A., Religious Studies) and Princeton Theological Seminary, along with almost twenty years in ministry. She is a regular contributor to Crosswalk and has also published work with HuffPost Parents, Propel Women, (in)courage, iBelieve, and the TODAY Show Parenting Team, among others. Her cable television show, Chaos to Calm, featured parenting hot topics and prominent guests, including Candace Cameron Bure. You can watch her episodes on-demand and sign up for her free devotional e-book by visiting her website, noellekirchner.com. Connect with her on social media (X, Instagram, and Facebook) and check out her book, How to Live Your Life Purpose: The Six-Step Journey to God’s Best.
We hope you and your spouse are challenged and encouraged by today’s devotional! For more of this premium marriage devotional, visit here.
