The report’s name says it all: America’s Demoralized Men. The conclusion: Most men under age 30 feel like failures, report chronic loneliness, and often fill that void with pornography, gaming, and gambling.
Kenneth Burchfiel of the Institute for Family Studies says, “I think the reality is the more time we spend behind screens, the less time we’re engaging face-to-face with people. And so there really is, I think, a cost to all of that screen time.”
Notably, the report shows religious men often fare better than their secular counterparts.
“We define religious as attending services more than once a month,” Burchfiel said. “It’s maybe not the strictest definition, but it was still enough to see a really wide gap in outcomes between those who were going to services and those who were going less than once a year, which is how we defined secular.”
For example, the study found 24% of secular men reported feeling very happy, compared to 40% of religious men.
In the area of friendship, 48% of secular men reported having fewer than three close friends, compared to 32% of religious men. Meanwhile, 29% of secular men reported feeling lonely, compared to 19% of religious men.
“It really speaks to how religious observance isn’t just spiritually beneficial, but it’s also really socially beneficial,” Burchfiel said.
Still, the report shows that religious men can struggle to connect. In his book Made for People, Christian author Justin Whitmel Earley points to God’s design for community. “We should understand friendship not as a luxury, but as a necessity to living the good life physically and spiritually,” Earley said.
He recommends gathering with the same friends once a week.
“This might be going to a small group. This might be adding an accountability group. Or it might just be a conversation on your back porch with a couple friends,” Earley said. “As long as you have it regularly.”
The goal is true communication, going beyond general topics such as sports or politics.
“There’s a difference between looking out into the world side by side, and that’s meaningful, and turning to each other and saying, ‘Now let’s talk about each other,'” Earley said.
Some men combine faith and friendship by exercising together.
Faith-Filled Workout participant Chris Reardon explained, “It’s like a locker room. We’re standing up. We’re talking. ‘You’ve got 90 seconds. Give me a God story. Go. Hey, we’re going to pray for each other right now.’ To really get this idea that this is something more manly, if you will, because a lot of guys just don’t pray together, right?”
It’s not only a great way to connect but also to support those in need of friendship.
Francis Edquid, another faith-focused workout participant, said, “Some of the sailors that I work with who are having internal struggles, I bring them here. I say, ‘Hey, let’s face that challenge together, man. Let’s go.’ I also share it with my neighbors.”
Some call it “garage gym church.”
“It’s not to take the place of regular church,” said Brad Bloom. “But let’s be honest. There’s a whole world out there that’s never going to get to what we call regular church. And for them, this may very well be it.”
While women are more likely than men to reach out to a wider support network, 16% of Americans of both genders and all ages report higher levels of loneliness, which doctors say can harm mental and physical health.
Experts say loneliness can increase the risk of heart disease, stroke, and dementia. It can also contribute to depression, anxiety, and fatigue.
A big part of the problem can be traced to social media, which researchers say is vastly different from being together in person.
Licensed Therapist Robin Hamilton said, “Connection and loneliness aren’t the same thing. When you’re making a connection with a person face-to-face, you’re able to bond with them. So you don’t feel lonely. But if you’re on social media talking to somebody, there’s no bond being made there. You’re still around people, but you’re not making that emotional connection that you would be face-to-face.”
In her book Friend-Wise: Practical Ideas for Richer Relationships, Becky Harling provides biblical examples of healthy friendships.
“God knew what he was doing when he designed us for friendship,” Harling said. “Jesus himself had friends. And if we want to live the abundant life that Jesus promises us, we’re going to follow his example and find those close friends and really invest in them.”
Harling also offers lessons on how to be a good friend.
“Somebody opens up to you with a problem and your go-to is, ‘How can I fix this for them?'” she said. “But that’s not really what people are looking for. They are looking for somebody to listen and understand them. The book of Proverbs says there’s wisdom in listening.”
She advises resisting the urge to make the conversation about yourself.
“I go with some questions prepared,” Harling said. “I ask the Holy Spirit to take over my mouth. Sometimes I literally sit and listen to somebody and put my hand over my mouth so that I’m not tempted to dive in.”
And she says to avoid one-upmanship.
“For example, if somebody’s sharing a recent vacation, don’t dive in with, ‘Well, you should have been there with me on my vacation,'” Harling said. “Then it becomes a competition.”
Psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen created six- and 12-week programs for churches and other faith-based organizations to help participants overcome anxiety, a lack of purpose, and loneliness.
“Fifty-eight percent of young people report being persistently lonely, which has the same negative health effects as smoking 15 cigarettes a day,” Amen said.
The program is called Amen WholeFour because it focuses on four pillars of personal health.
“We have to stop seeing this as, ‘Oh, you have depression, take drugs,’ or ‘You need therapy,'” Amen said. “We have to get better physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.”
Amen reports that 80% of participants in pilot programs, including one at the Orange County Rescue Mission in California, say they feel significantly better.
“I learned a lot through this program. It does help. It totally changed how I look at life,” one participant said.
“For a long time, I thought that my spirit, my mind, and my body were three separate entities,” another participant said. “When I came here, I realized they’re all interconnected.”
So while prolonged technology use can leave many Americans feeling empty and isolated, experts say making the effort to connect with others, especially in a faith-based environment, can help turn loneliness into joy.
